Tag Archives: self-reflection

Holding Back

13 Jan

There’s a way in which I am holding back, from the deepest parts of my heart.

And I’ve only just become aware of it.

Just recently been able to string it together

The hints of it in a small collection of instances and odd occurrences.

A dream that left me feeling heavy

An inner resistance to a mundane change that didn’t make sense

A hesitation, around one of the most basic and fulfilling forms of expression


And strangely,

It’s because I already love so breathlessly…

                                                              with such awe

                                                  and such reverence,

That it’s hard to tell that there are even deeper wells inside of me to access.


I’m holding back for a reason familiar to humanity.

I’m holding back, because I have lost before.


And that loss, builds a barrier.

Even if it’s thin enough to let love through as it grows, changes, expands.

Portions of whole heartedness still get caught in the web that is left.


And time doesn’t heal completely,

if you don’t take the time

to understand the effect your own story has on you.


And the benefits of avoidance,

or oblivion,

do not outweigh the heartbreak

of not experiencing the truest

and most unabashed depths of love.


                             The love of motherhood.

                                                          The love from being a wife & partner.


I want to be able to devour these emotions wholly and completely

and let them pour freely out of every pore in my heart and body and soul.


and to be able to do this…

I think I need to tell my story.

Livin’ the Dream

12 Jan

I just came across Martha Metzler’s blog where, rather than  making New Year’s resolutions, she’s giving herself a new challenge each week.  And I decided to play along, when the mood strikes.  I’m just going to state right off the bat, that I give myself pull permission to just pop in on any of the weeks that jive with me.

Her first challenge is what hooked me… because rather than cataloging all the features and habits that we dislike about ourselves, turning them into aspects to overcome… she asked us to list 5 things we DON’T want to change about ourselves.  Even for the relatively confident… it’s hard to do!

Here are my five.

  1. I’m very open to new things.  New thoughts, ideas, perspectives… I love to hear other’s explain their own beliefs and opinions.  New places, flavors, activities and experiences.
  2. I’m a great beginner.  I love to learn and don’t mind asking questions or admitting when I don’t know something.
  3. I love to read.  And as much as I love blogs and ebooks… I will always love holding a book in my hands.
  4. I’m creative.  I enjoy making things, and I make some pretty dang cool things.
  5. I’m a good listener.
It is… um… nourishing… to think of the things that I appreciate about myself.  Rather than the ones I’d like to change, or work on.  Thanks for this fantastic idea, Martha.
As a last aspect of that first week’s challenge, she asks us to post a photo that we don’t analyze or critique of ourselves.
Most of the photos taken of me in the last few months have not been taken alone.  So here is one of me and my little one.

Baby & Me

this post inspired by:

ASofterSideofStrong

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