It was at the end of April in 2010, and Mark and I had only just started dating. I had big plans to move to New York with a couple of friends, very ready to wrap up my Santa Barbara life. Skating around the topic with Mark, because I was quickly falling in love with him, and didn’t want to have to think of how to reconcile those two facts.
It was at the end of April in 2010 when I found out I was pregnant. I sat stunned in the free clinic as the two women who told me my results then proceeded to go into depth about my various options. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that I had to tell them I hadn’t heard a word they had said. I left the clinic with several flyers, got into my car, and started to drive. Well… got into a car. I didn’t own one at the time, so it may have been Mark’s, it may have been a friends, I can’t really remember.
I drove. Across town, up a hill, along the cliffs of the ocean, parked on a dead end street. And I bawled. I cried huge, gasping, confused sobs. This was so far out of my mind as a possible life step right then, that I moved from shock, disbelief, to utter despair. I couldn’t even think straight I was so overcome.
Eventually, I drove back down the hill, pulling over to burst into tears again over the phone with my New York friend. And waited at Mark’s house for him to come home. I didn’t want to call him at work. I didn’t know what his response would be. I didn’t even know what my response was yet.
We had only been dating for two months. We’d known each other for a few years, been friends, secretly adored each other, but only recently started dating.
I was so nervous. He came home, I told him we needed to talk. And then, yet again, I burst into sobs.
Somehow, without any words, without any explanation. He knew almost immediately what had happened.
We weren’t careless. We were very careful, we were very protected. A pregnancy was in the highly unlikely category… but not impossible. Apparently.
What blew me away was his response. I don’t remember exact words, I don’t remember much of anything very clearly from that day… but I do remember that his response is what made my decision. Right then and there. Subconsciously, perhaps. But the second I felt his support. His arms encircling, his sense of love, and courage and acceptance. Like there wasn’t a thought or an option of leaving me to deal with this on my own. Togetherness. I knew we would figure it out. And I knew that before that moment… every prediction I would have made about my reaction to this situation would have been dead wrong.
I’ve been wanting to write, and the problem has been that there are so many things I’ve been wanting to write about that I fear they will exit the flood gates in a woefully unorganized fashion. I’ve spent most of the morning writing through various thoughts to be placed elsewhere, and caffeinating myself from an espresso machine that dispenses perfectly formed cups of coffee in the push of a button. I can never own one of these. I have enough energy to race around the building after two cups.
Conversations 