Tag Archives: seeking

Roots

10 Oct

highway at night

I meditated this morning.  And among the many many thoughts that swirled, was this need for connection.  For a deeper foundational connection to where I came from.  To something eternal.  Something that has endured, persisted.  Changed, but still is.  Roots.  Ancestry.  Solidity.  The earth even.  My Native American side? Something that I can feel like I can draw strength from.  Find beauty and power and patience in… when I feel like it’s dwindling in me.

Sometimes I feel… not disembodied (although sometimes I feel that too!)  But sometimes I just feel alone, you know?  I don’t mean that in a lonely, depressing way.  But I mean… alone in this journey of personhood… motherhood.

Mark is a huge source of strength and support for me, of course, we’re such an undeniably fantastic team… But I even sometimes feel like we’re alone in this.

Not always.  We have amazing friends and family… and it’s a comfort to be able to share in their journey…  But I sometimes even feel like we’re all alone.

What I’m trying to say, is that there is this whole, rich, deep, continuous source of personhood, parenthood, motherhood… centuries and centuries of people who have lived, trying to be as true to themselves as they know how.  Trying to act with passion and integrity, to find adventure and solitude and peace.  Who have fought and loved and raised children with as much whole-heartedness and imperfection as all of us are doing everyday…

I know that…

But I want to feel connected to it.

I’ve been thinking about a theory my friend Kim Gill and I came up with a couple of years ago… about how a person’s sense of rootedness correlates with the place they grew up, and how long it’s been settled.  I know this is a vast generalization, but she said that people on the east coast seem more grounded, sure of their sense of place… and that west coasters often seem more untethered… seeking more, always searching.  And if you think about it more… take Europeans… the French, Italians, Grecians.. They have such an ingrained sense of belonging to the locality, so tangible you can nearly steep in it as a visitor, that I really think it fosters a sense of connectedness to history, continuity, that is missing out here…

Like we’re all sourcing from a wading pool, when in actuality, we have the ability to reach so much further and deeper…

I don’t have an answer… just taking notice of some things … in this small window of stillness I found this morning.

Advertisements

Seeking Rhythm & Ritual

21 May

I took a break. That may be obvious from my lack of posting. I needed a week away. My intention had been to have a stockpile of 30 different daily intentions by the end of my little experiment… but after about 22… I started having the urge to repeat previous ones. So instead of forcing myself to stay in the box I’d created, I took a breather. Let the week just go by and tried to pay attention to what my natural rhythm ended up being each day. And in each portion of the day. To notice when I had energy, and when I tended to get cranky.

I think Monday is my bare minimum day. Where I pick just a couple of things… like going to the gym, posting a book on PBS, and taking a walk… and then let that be my bare minimum.  Anything else, is only if I feel like it, extra.  I noticed that the previous intentions that fell on this day were ones like Slow Down, and Gentleness. And since I work on the weekends… Monday tends to be my breather, but I also turn into a grump if I get to the end of the day without having done anything that feels productive.

You see this intention game is part of this bigger search of mine. To bring more rhythm and ritual to my days. To our days. I had an inkling of the need for this before… months and maybe a couple years before now. But the presence of a baby who’s behavior is landmarked by rituals (naps, mealtimes, play times), and who brings a decidedly more scripted pattern to our life, had made me realize even more how important rhythm is.

But I’ve wanted it to be a natural rhythm, in line with the ebb and flow that occurs spontaneously throughout the day. Action and exploration at the times when our bodies want to move and our minds are alert. Cooking and clearing when I need to get out of my head and back into my body. Ease and gentleness at the point in the day where we all get tired, a little worn out.

Without rhythm, the hours slip away so quickly, but the days somehow seem long.

I’ve been aching for rhythm.  I have been trying to discover my/our rhythm.