Tag Archives: thoughts

Eye Contact, some thoughts

14 Feb
I used to be the one who looked unflinchingly into the eyes of others.
Who noticed that it was them, who would shift around after a moment,
break my gaze,
a bit uncomfortable at the continuity of it.


Now I find that it is me who shifts and shuffles.
I only see it at times, because there are so few people in the world who really drink you in when you are with them.  Who turn themselves fully towards you, eyes locked and receptive, ready to hold an unwavering space for you to just be
or speak.
I can only think of two.
(And one additional who manages to do it through video)


And each time…
I find myself being the first to break the contact.
Unwilling to accept the space? The unconditionality that they offer…
on some level at least.


Even though, I am quite certain that is what we ALL crave.






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Roots

10 Oct

highway at night

I meditated this morning.  And among the many many thoughts that swirled, was this need for connection.  For a deeper foundational connection to where I came from.  To something eternal.  Something that has endured, persisted.  Changed, but still is.  Roots.  Ancestry.  Solidity.  The earth even.  My Native American side? Something that I can feel like I can draw strength from.  Find beauty and power and patience in… when I feel like it’s dwindling in me.

Sometimes I feel… not disembodied (although sometimes I feel that too!)  But sometimes I just feel alone, you know?  I don’t mean that in a lonely, depressing way.  But I mean… alone in this journey of personhood… motherhood.

Mark is a huge source of strength and support for me, of course, we’re such an undeniably fantastic team… But I even sometimes feel like we’re alone in this.

Not always.  We have amazing friends and family… and it’s a comfort to be able to share in their journey…  But I sometimes even feel like we’re all alone.

What I’m trying to say, is that there is this whole, rich, deep, continuous source of personhood, parenthood, motherhood… centuries and centuries of people who have lived, trying to be as true to themselves as they know how.  Trying to act with passion and integrity, to find adventure and solitude and peace.  Who have fought and loved and raised children with as much whole-heartedness and imperfection as all of us are doing everyday…

I know that…

But I want to feel connected to it.

I’ve been thinking about a theory my friend Kim Gill and I came up with a couple of years ago… about how a person’s sense of rootedness correlates with the place they grew up, and how long it’s been settled.  I know this is a vast generalization, but she said that people on the east coast seem more grounded, sure of their sense of place… and that west coasters often seem more untethered… seeking more, always searching.  And if you think about it more… take Europeans… the French, Italians, Grecians.. They have such an ingrained sense of belonging to the locality, so tangible you can nearly steep in it as a visitor, that I really think it fosters a sense of connectedness to history, continuity, that is missing out here…

Like we’re all sourcing from a wading pool, when in actuality, we have the ability to reach so much further and deeper…

I don’t have an answer… just taking notice of some things … in this small window of stillness I found this morning.

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Integration in ((slow)) progress

30 Apr

I’m integrating over here.  Trying to integrate, anyways.  Or maybe halfheartedly and distractedly trying to integrate.

Do you ever reach a point, where your head is just swirling with so many interesting, pointedly poignant, ideas that really feel very integral to living, that you need to pause for several beats and integrate?  Give all those ideas a chance to soak and resurface.  For the flavors to melt together and clarify a bit before you can keep inputting.  I’m there.

I’m mentally suspended amongst some recent conversations with friends.  Some are reflecting on life as it is, some are headed on new adventures and some are going through tough times.  I have words from all of them floating through my head.

I also have the habit of reading several things at a time – multiples of books, articles, blog posts, and audiobooks.  For instance, right now I’m at varying stages in a novel, a book on baby’s brains, a book by Osho on Creativity, an audiobook by David Whyte, and just finished one by Anne Lamott.  This isn’t including the various blog posts and online articles I dip into.

And most of the time, I like it this way, because I have different books I pick up depending on my mood, or the amount of time I have when the reading bug strikes me.  Different conversations I examine further when I have a moment.  But eventually, it gets to a point where the information has all converged and assimilation is necessary or else more words and ideas will just get lost amidst the rubble.

But assimilation requires stillness.  It means I have to reel in on the information input.

Maybe I should do the dishes… or take a shower… isn’t that where everyone says that the ideas that are colliding tend to calm and part?  Smooth themselves out?  Presence + Space.

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Choosing Thoughts

19 Mar

contemplating

I’m trying to work on controlling my emotions recently. Or rather… being more mindful of my thoughts and choosing to let go of the ones that may send me into an unnecessary emotional frenzy. Feeling rushed… when actually, I have plenty of time to take care of a task. Getting myself worked up and feeling “wronged” because I’m remembering an instance where a waitress was rude to me a couple weeks ago. Things that have no reason to matter anymore, except that I keep giving them power over my mood.

I’ve been thinking about this recently, but yesterday I tried to be really conscious of it. It was a full work day, and we had dinner plans with friends right when I got off, so I was feeling slightly rushed all day. But I made sure that several times, I stopped in my mental tracks and looked at the emotion I was creating inside myself…. and I told myself to let it go, “That thing that happened a couple weeks ago… sure it was frustrating. Yes it was rude. But you’ve had bad days at work too, remember? You’ve let out a condescending tone to an undeserving stranger more than once. Maybe that waitress had a busy day, maybe she was fresh off an upsetting conversation, maybe she’s even had a bad couple of months. Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with you. Let it go.”

 

Breathe. And release.

One more time… breathe.

And release.

 

Good.  Peace.  Once more.

 

 

 

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